I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
