Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
