My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
