what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
