Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
