I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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