I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I could fuck to npr.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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