I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
