i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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