So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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