I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
