he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
