I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
