if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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