I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
