A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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