I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
