I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
