Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
