Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize