I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
