I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
