there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Randomize
