3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
