I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
