And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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