Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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