And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
smell my finger.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
