If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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