It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My ass is underappreciated
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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