I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
