she pinky promised me she was 18
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
