I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
