tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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