what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
