Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
