I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
