this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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