I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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