I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
