What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
