why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
