I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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