Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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