I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
