Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
