I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
