i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
