I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
