At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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