this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
