I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I want is dick and wine.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
