If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
