Your mouth is God's brothel.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
