Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
