can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
