The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
