Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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