Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
