My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Ketchup is God's man juice
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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