I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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