New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
no you cant smoke seaweed
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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