Kiss
Puke
The maid of honor just puked.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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