Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
