I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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