just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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