i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
