grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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